Despite the fact that I'm not too far from hitting the big 4-0, I still find myself smacked upside the head by a childish naivety. Recently, I chatted with a friend about career goals, and she noted that her primary drive in life is to inspire others. Lovely and lofty goal, isn't it? But what followed knocked me off my rocker.
She noted that we differed in our sense of compassion. She explained that although she wanted to inspire people, she didn't feel compelled to help the homeless or other extremely destitute souls. She admired my concern for the poor, but simply stated, "I don't have that kind of compassion." Um, say what?
I've run into similar situations before, where folks focus on frugality simply so that they can buy more crap. Having more money or time to give to others never really entered into their brains. I always assumed those folks were idiots. Turns out, I'm the idiot (this is a reoccurring theme).
I am one of those dumb ass liberals who is frequently delusional, thinking that if folks simply had a similar education or awareness of certain issues, they would feel the same as me. It's not an uncommon affliction. We're always amazed when we find someone with a similar background who thinks differently. Many conservatives want the same things as us; they simply approach it in a different manner, which leaves us stunned. Silly, innit?
Yet I found the wind knocked out of me when a creature so similar to myself voiced a lack of concern for the poorest among us. I had always assumed that people didn't do more to help the homeless simply because they held false beliefs about the poor (e.g., all homeless folks are addicts, etc.), were mean or just plain stupid. Nope. Some intelligent, kind folks don't care about the poor because, well, they simply don't care. It's just not in 'em. Color me shocked.
This bit o' education has helped me to understand why so few have so much and so many have so little. When even the educated and aware don't give a shit, what other circumstance would we find ourselves in? And it's not like my friend is evil. Quite the contrary. She's a lovely human being with a good heart. Her heart's just directed differently than my own. And it means that those of us who do have a big, wide and sweeping compassion must work all the harder (without falling into the martyr trap, of course) to help those in need.
I'm not worried though. Love is a powerful force that doesn't require a legion of followers to bring light to dark places. A handful of caring citizens has changed the game many times over. Still, I'd much prefer a world full of people who give a shit about everyone versus one where only a handful do. But we have to make do with what we have, and we have enough to change lives for the better. Or so I keep telling myself.
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When your big-hearted friend says "I just don't have that kind of compassion", is it because she has never been there,in need, maybe?
I've "been there" (sorta, the whole single mother on welfare wondering how I'll feed my two little kids thing) and most of the really charitable people I know have been, too.
Hmmm... I have such mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, how can a person not feel compassion for another who is suffering? On the other hand, the amount of suffering that's out there is so monumentally huge that trying to fix it all can feel like pouring your soul into a black hole.
I guess I'm sort of thinking of my experiences with stray and feral cats. I love cats... I love EVERY cat, but the thing is, there are just infinite homeless and hungry cats out there. And if you try to take care of them all, you end up pretty much making yourself miserable & distraught, and having no time or energy left for the ones (both feline and human) who count on you.
I dunno... at this point when my lookout kitty starts running from window to window (a signal that there is some creature about in the yard) I just can't bring myself to even look. If it is another homeless cat, it will break my heart and I'll be swept up into the whole cat rescue thing again... and I'm already at the legal limit of the number I can own... and I wouldn't want to bring it to a shelter where it would probably be put to sleep... and if you feed it then it's pretty much your cat and your responsibility... and I just don't have it in me right now...
I read some blogs written by people who try to rescue them all... and they generally all end up exhausted and broke and angry... and some even become targets of PETA and the ASPCA because it's so easy to get in over your head.
So I dunno... where is the line between compassion and self-preservation? It seems a fuzzy one at best. How do you fight the suffering when it's endless? At what point do you allow yourself the right to enjoy your own life?
I just wish that our society made taking care of its people and animals a higher priority... seems crazy that we give billions of our tax dollars to oil companies and huge multi-million dollar corn growers when there are so many hungry people and suffering animals out there living in desperation.
No answers... but the whole topic sort of makes me depressed.
I think ECL had some interesting insights on this, which I share.
There is no end to need in the world; it's always there to smack you in the face. I also think social media tools have also enabled people to highlight social injustices and needs in all kinds of places throughout the world like never before. I think we are constantly bombarded with messages about these needs, and it has led to compassion fatigue. How do we best direct our energy? Our time? Our money? Our social capital?
I often feel conflicted about giving locally, to people I know (for instance, people at my church seeking help through the pastor's discretionary fund) and giving to charitable organizations that I know have some standards and accountability. Others I know prefer to know those they're giving to; I very much dislike this, because I feel like I am being prevailed upon to make moral judgments about peoples' situations and the circumstances they find themselves in and I am uncomfortable.
In the last year we've focused our financial gifts to just a few organizations. I recently chose not to give directly to a family experiencing difficulties through my church because -- although I felt it was worthwhile -- we'd already made a decision to give a more significant amount to the elder-care community where my in-laws live. I feel compelled to support it because they don't have many major donors and have to work so hard for the funds they do get. I almost feel like the money I give there means so much more.
PrairiePixie's "compassion fatigue" certainly sums up what I feel sometimes. So many troubled folks, so little energy and brainspace, let alone time and money. I also find some people exert most of their care and compassion on individuals they know. They'll let a friend camp on the spare room or cover the electric bill or bring over groceries, but less like to give to faceless organizations caring for even more faceless strangers.
That is, "are less likely to give."
Interesting topic. And I love how nonjudgmental you managed to be about your friends differing view even though it is so foreign to your own.
Christine: I have been homeless. It isn't lack of understanding that keeps some of us from being focused on helping others in the way some would like us to be.
ECL: I think you hit the nail on the head. There are SO many worthy causes that we have to pick and choose or be overwhelmed and/or ineffective.
CF: You know that I have causes I sincerely care about and put energy and effort into. (Though not much money at the moment, until finances improve.) Those causes may not be the ones others would choose. In fact, I *hope* not everyone chooses the same causes. It is that diversity of effort that accomplishes so many different things.
One of my dreams (already discussed in some detail with my fiance) is to get my aquaponic system functioning well enough that I can open some type of community center where the neighborhood people can easily grow some of their own food in a community system at no cost to them beyond whatever effort isn't covered by volunteers. Is it the "common" feed-the-poor road map? No. Do I currently have plans to feed the poor out of my own system? No. Does that make me selfish? Possibly. But we each have a limited amount of resources (whether time, energy, emotion, or money) and we have to allocate them appropriately - appropriate by *our own* definition, not others'.
Right now my resources are on building a good relationship with my future husband, trying to cope with being overburdened at work, and getting my garden running seamlessly. Since that's all stuff for self, I guess that is selfish. But without a strong and healthy self with extra resources, there is no way to help others in any long-term, meaningful way.
I'm babbling. Sorry. I probably not even explaining myself very well. Oh well, I'll leave it here and you can make of it what you will. :-)
You do always make me think. I'm rolling this around in my head and realizing that I just said no to "yet another volunteer opportunity". Not because it wasn't a worthy cause, but because I just am getting to the saturation point. I love to give of my time, my income, my heart. If only they really did take a pound of my flesh, but as I look at my increasingly snug clothes, that ain't happenin'.
There just has to be a limit or we wind up worthless to everyone.
I didn't mean to imply that lack of understanding is the sole reason that some people lack compassion - nor to imply that compassion automatically translates into the capacity (funds, energy) to give.
I think it does get sticky in that "giving" is defined, usually, as a writing cheque or volunteering time, but it can show in other ways that are less visible, like just chatting with that homeless guy who lives in the bus shelter.
I disagree that extra resources and a strong healthy self are necessary before one can do good in a meaningful way. Sometimes doing good for others is the best way to become stronger. Martyrdom helps no one, burn out helps no one, but real compassion doesn't take energy from us, it gives it to us.
I think love is a renewable resource.
I can see both Monday and Christine's point, but this--oy!--"I disagree that extra resources and a strong healthy self are necessary before one can do good in a meaningful way. Sometimes doing good for others is the best way to become stronger. Martyrdom helps no one, burn out helps no one, but real compassion doesn't take energy from us, it gives it to us.
I think love is a renewable resource."
And that right there is one of the many reasons why I love the shit out of Christine. That, and she spells check "cheque." I <3 foreigners! ahahahah
I think "compassion fatigue" is a really good point. It plays into what I said about avoiding the martyr trap. (ECL--so sorry I keep posting topics that depress you. It is a specialty of mine!)
We can all only give so much. Trying to save everyone, all the time, particularly while ignoring self, is the martyr trap. It's a futile effort. As I get older, I am getting better about not feeling like I have to save the whole goddamned world. Me thinks it's because of increased media. Yes, I see more need across the globe, simply because folks are shining a light on it. But I also see more organizations across the world doing great work. I don't have to do everything, because there are folks on the task. And after spending most of my adult life in the non-profit world, I realize that change is slow and tiny increases in standards of living can make tremendous differences.
What this conversation with my friend really taught me is that it's possible to be a good human and still not give a shit about the poorest of the poor. I can't look at her and say--you are an asshole, because I know she is not. She simply puts her care in places I don't. She comes from poverty herself, which blows my theory that people need to have personal experience with an issue before they can really care about it. But she cares about other things--things I don't really give a shit about ("inspiring" people who have more than enough. I think they need to get the fuck over themselves and do more for others). We're both good people. We just have different priorities. Perhaps her inspiring will cause others to care more about the poor?
But I guess I should say that I do have a limit to my understanding. That uber wealthy church I worked with back in the day that wouldn't do outreach to the poor but instead focused their efforts on "ministering" to the uber wealthy surrounding community? Yeah, those people are assholes. If you have Jesus attached to your mission, you had better be doing some serious work for the poor.
Also? You people are awesome. Impressive plans, careful consideration of just who and what you'll support, giving when you sometimes feel like you can't but realizing reaching out can make you stronger...on and on. See? This is why I can't get too worked up about some folks not putting their energies where I would. There are so many wonderful, giving people in this world.
I know this is a generalization but my more conservative (republican) friends/family members tend to give more to family and friends, i.e. they do also give to strangers if they know the back story. My more liberal friends seem more willing to help strangers via a larger nonprofit.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I, too, have realized that there are different forms of compassion and giving. Some people focus on their immediate circle, which I think is a bit short-sighted, but that's just my humble opinion.
Anyway, good food for thought...
I also was a street urchin from 16 to 21, mostly by choice.
We had crash pads and such but I was a loner, spent 3 weeks in a parked Chevy,months in a garage and did a lot of ground sleeping with just a bag or blanket for warmth. I often wonder how I got so lucky as to not get dragged down into the pit, and thank a lot of good kind hearted people who helped me along the way. It's fairly easy to look away when approaching homeless people, it's not a long drop for me,and I feel guilty at times for having a fairly normal life. It's not a lack of compassion. I do give, and talk with them when they are friendly, always come away with a smile. They are not all losers, some are there by choice.
Paul
Ug. I posted a comment and it ate it! Anyhoo, lemme try again.
O&G--I have had very similar experiences with conservative folks I know. I also read something long ago that said we're more likely to give if we know the money is going to folks similar to us, hence the reason why churches get so many of the donor dollars in the US. They also attributed this fact to why Scandinavian countries don't have a lot of conflict with high taxation like we do--cuz everyone is mostly white and Lutheran. Strange, eh?
Paul--I think a lot of folks think that *most* folks are homeless out of choice, and that's not the case (at least not from the stats I've seen). So, if it's a choice, you don't have to help them out. Kinda crazy. ANYHOO, there are some causes I don't support simply because it hits too close to painful memories. I don't feel guilty about it though. Guilt is a useless, crappy emotion in my ever so correct opinion. :P Oh, and I'm glad ya gots the good life now. Viva la good life for all!
This really hit home for me, not only because I'm currently trying to figure out where to spend my limited time and even more limited resources to do a bit more good (hopefully), but also because I find the constant influx of causes completely overwhelming, sometimes to the point where I have to back off for a bit just to not sink into a pit of non-functional despair.
I wonder if, in some cases, people are affected by judgments of who's deserving of compassion or assistance. Recently, I've seen a lot of blame assigned, both from people I know and in various media outlets, especially in terms of highlighting "mistakes" that got people into particular situations. Sure, that kind of thing happens, but sometimes people just fall on hard times. But determining between them can be difficult, and requires effort. Perhaps it's somewhat easier to just focus on something different altogether, rather than figuring out the difference between the newly poor who bought too much stuff on credit and those who faced a disastrous medical crisis, for instance. It's just a guess, and not a super-well-thought-out one, but having seen a few people recently make such pronouncements, it got me thinking.
"A heart directed differently." What a thoughtful comment!
I believe we all have gifts and, hopefully, passions. I do my volunteer work differently from my husband. I do mediation. He works at the food bank and spends some nights at the homeless shelter. Like last night. He would be so uncomfortable helping to ease conflict between people, but he is wonderful helping to ease the souls of the homeless.
Thanks to everyone with their differences.
Linda--you guys are like the power couple of awesome. So impressive! Let me confess a bit o' silliness here though. When I first read your comment, I read "meditation" instead of "mediation." I thought, so....um...you focus on world peace or something? ahahahahaha Anyhoo! I think I'm in a similar boat as your husband. No way I could do mediation. Nooooooooooo waaaaaaay. You gotta have some kind of patience I couldn't muster.
Jenn--well, with the homeless, it's a mixed bag. You've got both types you mentioned, often accessing the same services. I planned on writing a blog post about this at some point, but I'll give a quickie version here: We all make stupid decisions. All of us. For those of us with solid support systems, those stupid decisions can be remedied fairly easily. For others, it can mean devastation--the loss of a home or a job, etc.
I think of the story of Jesus and the woman accused of adultery who was going to be stoned to death, "You have have sinned not cast the first stone" kind of thing. I don't think anyone deserves to suffer because of stupid choices, even if I would like to drop kick them in the face. We all deserve second chances and the opportunity to learn from our mistakes. I hope someone would have a bit of compassion for me were I in the same situation, particularly given my stellar ability at being a moron.
Well put, and I agree with your assessment. I know plenty of people who've done stupid things, but those who have some kind of support (*cough* me *cough*) tend to recover pretty well. I generally think we could all use some more compassion (on both the giving and receiving end), and so I find it makes me sad and disappointed when people seem to tend towards judgment, although I'm not always sure how to respond.
ahaahahah "*cough*me*cough*" aahhahahahaha Oh lordy.
I just wrote a super judge-y post, so I can't really bitch about judgmental a-holes, considering I am one. It's a difficult dance, innit? Trying to find what works, not wanting to support bad behavior, on and on. Woman, if you figure it out, let me know.
"Let me confess a bit o' silliness here though. When I first read your comment, I read "meditation" instead of "mediation.""
LOL me too! And I read it through twice to be sure. In fact, it took your post to correct my view of it.
Oy. I need to read more slowly.
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