This is a tale of woe. Not real drama, of course, because I am a wealthy white woman living in the USofA (wealthy by global standards, not Southern Californian). These are "first" world problems, children, which means they are the manifestations of idiocy. My own, naturally.
The computer at home is still broken. I am still desperately far behind at work. This is all an extension of a 3 (4??) month fail spiral that seems intent on twisting a bit further into the abyss. It's cool. I am a master at handling bullshit. Or so I tell myself.
This train wreck began as an experiment. I have been doing silly little 30-day experiments in an attempt to have more fun. Being the mind-numbing idiot that I am, I thought it would be a good idea to stop tracking my spending for 30-days. I thought, hey, I'm too strict and uptight with this money stuff. I need to chill out! Buying those kitchen items was a great thing. I can roast a chicken like a CHAMPION! And that cleaning lady? Changed my life, man. Changed. My. Life. (I am not an elitist jackass. I am not an elitist jackass. I am not an...) So, maybe if I just chill out some more and let go of tracking every penny, magical creatures will crawl out of the woodwork, and I will live in a glorious land of drug-induced highs and rainbow puppy kisses? Right on!
Instead, everything went to shit. My 30-days turned into 3 (or is it 4 now? Mommy? Help?) months. Habits seem to take awhile to build and exactly 5 seconds to break. We started eating awful delivery food several times a week like it was actually tasty and delicious. I could have crapped in a box, with a jarred sauce, of course, and had a better meal. Things got fuzzy at work. Balls were dropped. I couldn't keep track of my correspondence with friends living afar. My cash stash was perpetually empty (I normally have hundreds in my cash stash. Please don't rob me). Wait, am I using past tense? I probably shouldn't be. I'm still working this out.
Then a bad health demon decided to knock the crap out of me. I was diagnosed last year with diabetes (yeah, I said it). First it was borderline. Then it was the real deal. No, borderline. Back and forth. But I used to work for the American Diabetes Association, so I know the "borderline" thing is b.s. Pre-diabetes is code for "soon to be screwed." Complications can arise even if you never reach the full-blown stage. My surrogate daddy died as a result of diabetes complications. It literally beat him to death. First taking a leg. Then two strokes and two heart attacks. After working in an ICU for a few years, I began to get a sense of who was going to make it and who wasn't. The last time I saw him, I knew he wasn't going to make it. Ah, diabetes, how you suck.
So, what did I do? Paid attention at first, because I don't need meds and vowed to kick its ass, and then I just tossed it aside ("it" being my health, natch). So, the big D decided to come and knock the crap out of me. Since no fail spiral is complete without an injury, I also somehow jacked up my knee, which has screwed up my hip and ankle from the weird wobbling walk I have to do. I am in shit tons of pain, but taking it like a trooper. No car means homie has to walk, so I buck up like a true champion (or is it moron?). Thanks to my excellent healthcare provider (aaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahah), I'm not sure what is wrong yet. She'll let me know...in 2 months. Maybe. Did I mention that I had to remind her that I need blood work done every 3 months, despite the fact that she hasn't ordered any of it in over a year? And that maybe some physical therapy might be in order? And hey, maybe we should xray this knee? If I didn't have a clue about my various ailments, I would be screwed. I fear for her other patients. (Yes, I will be complaining about and replacing said doc.)
I could ramble on, but this Woe Is Me tale is starting to irritate me. (I'm sure it's far worse for you. My apologies.) When I finally decided to sit down and figure out what the hell was going on, I traced it back to my utterly brilliant idea to stop tracking spending. Apparently, it serves as a cornerstone to the limited self-care I manage. Good to know. Prolly should have figured that out a little sooner.
Thanks to a couple of requests for money management "coaching" from members of my time bank (oh, the irony, right?), November has seen the return of tracking spending. PRAISE ALLAH. My husband has stepped up to the plate to cook twice a week (yet I still don't have to do the dishes. Score!), so that I'm not so overwhelmed (see: long-ass commute and presently stressful gig). I have gathered resources to deal with this effing diabetes outside of the current dieting and deprivation paradigm (which only makes you fatter, folks. See me for physical evidence!), which has resulted in me removing my head from my anus. (But I swear to god, if any patronizing ass preaches at me about it, I will promptly shove their noggins up their own shoots. Consider it fair warning.)
Since I had fallen so far off the wagon, reinforcements were needed. ECL suggested reading The Simple Living Guide by Janet Luhrs. (Review of simple living reads to come!) It was just what I needed. Working with folks from my time bank is becoming doctor-heal-thyself balm. A friend recently let me know that she too has received the big D diagnosis. I am reminded that it takes a village, we are always somebody's child, and I am not alone. Most importantly, I am reminded of the odd ways in which life is interconnected. You Have Diabetes should have been the calling card to keep me from eating unhealthy take out, but no, tracking spending keeps me on the path. It forces me to pay attention to my actions in the moment. It snaps me awake. Thank heavens I am finally coming out of this fail spiral slumber (please?), but lord, I don't think I'll ever awaken from being an absolute moron.
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29 comments:
CF:
::::::::::::::EMPATHY:::::::::::
Please take care of yourself and hang in there and know that you're dealing with a lot of SHIT right now -- but that you're also an inspirational and smart and funny person and you're going to have a bunch of people (including me, perfect stranger) rooting for you and praying for you and feeling absolutely confident that you are on the good path to right your ship.
Only you could write a post about diabetes and make me laugh out loud at the same time that I'm reading it. (The part where you talked about your health care provider and put the hahhahaha just had me roaring.)
Both of my parents and all of my aunts and uncles had diabetes. It was a part of life and we dealt with it and I thought growing up that adults just couldn't eat sugar cookies. Like, that was only for kids because when you're an adult, you get diabetes and you have to take better care of your feet.
I realize now how scary it was for them and how much they dealt with. I'm seriously sorry you have to deal with that shit.
It definitely entitles you to go easier on yourself (no moron-calling!)
Yay for husbands who cook a couple of nights per week! Can your husband come cook for me on the other nights? Okthanksbye. :)
-aj
A raucous "here, here!!" to aj's comment.
We're all growing and learning, non-stop. Sometimes it's a step or two back and sometimes a step forward. Either way, at least you're still stepping :)
Hi AJ! :)
Thanks for the love, love. My granny had diabetes and really didn't take care of herself at all. I thought it was no big deal until I saw what it did to my buddy Gordon and spent some time working with the ADA. I get it now. I'm trying hard to look at it as an opportunity to learn excellent self-care, which I currently find to be an abhorrent chore. Life lessons! Life lessons and shit. Oy. Anyhoo, thank you for the support, the kindness and especially the prayers. You, my dear, are a beautiful soul.
Stitch--gracias! And yes. Still stepping. That's a good way to look at it. Like a tango, maybe? :P
Oh, girl. It really is a fail spiral sometimes, isn't it? As much as it all sucks, you still managed to word it perfectly. I'm well acquainted with that spiral. I stopped tracking my expenses a few months ago and discovered (once again!) just how easy it is to destroy good habits. UGH.
Here's hoping things improve SOON! I'm so sorry your health has taken this hit. Praying you feel much better very very soon!
Like before, I'm wishing we lived closer. I'd fill your fridge with some chicken noodle soup to make it at least a tiny bit better!
Mary, you are divine. Thank you so much for your kindness. And um, yeah?! Crazy how easy it is to knock a decent habit down, eh? Oh well, back in the saddle.
I am going to work on my December no-eating-out plan over Thanksgiving weekend and will harass you for help, I'm sure. You have been warned!
Dealing with D is a bummer in any world. I am sorry to read about yours.
In September, I did a 30 day challenge of exercising 3 hours a day. (I was out of work. I had the time.) But once I went back to work, did I keep up the exercising? Yeah, you know the answer to that one already.) At least now I know it's not just me :)
3 HOURS a day? !!! Good lord in heaven above! Um, I could manage to nap that long but exercise? Wowza.
I wish I loved to exercise. Hate it. My goal is just to keep incorporating more movement into my everyday world (killing the car helped with that). Since I barely get off the couch, a little goes a long way. But I gotta say, I'm seriously impressed that you managed to do that for 30 days. I would have crapped out in less than a week.
I love DEMANDRA! 30 times a day.
I'm sorry the bad health demon came a knocking. Hopefully, you can kick his (her?) @ss! I too hate exercise and haven't found a cure for that yet.
@ Demandra
Overwhelming stuff... sometimes it's good to take a breather (esp. from blogging if it helps you sort things out.)
Empathy about your health woes. It's just a real kick in the pants. I agree - the diet/deprivation cycle does not work. In a similar vein, I have a family member who was diagnosed with serious food allergies this year. She's found help in the most unlikely places -- the registered nutritionist at the health food section of a large grocery chain for starters.
A woman I know who was diagnosed with another disease said she wrote a list of everyone she knew who was coping with that disease successfully. It made her appreciate that she was not alone, that her situation could be managed, and it gave her hope.
I think our society has a "binge" mentality in lots of things and it's not helpful over the long run -- even with things we think are healthy. This is why I'm not particularly fond of the "30-day challenge" mentality, unless it's going to be replaced with something once the 30 days is up. My mom goes through periods of less activity, then goes crazy to try to lose weight and works out 3 hours a day. Who can sustain that? Sustaining is the goal.
I made changes in my habits a couple of years ago and I would have a cow every week at first when I'd get on the scale. Or I'd panic if I'd missed a work out. Here's the thing, I felt a lot better about myself when I stopped focusing so much on that and instead meditated on the good series of smaller choices I was making every day... I eventually achieved my goal.
I really like a series of "indoor walking" CDs by Leslie Sansone. They're sold all over and there are so many of them you might even find them at thrift. They're very doable and can be modified to fit just about any situation. You can do them in "blocks", so there's no need to work out an hour at a time. She's got people of all ages and body types in them, so she's not trying to make a statement about being a waif. (I think there's even a Harley/trucker dude on one. Rock on!) Perhaps you might like them.
Finally, not trying to be all, "Oh, feel grateful" on you or go Dr. Phil on you. This sucks. But, I'm always comforted by advances in medicine and the fact that we're all more mindful these days.
Pulling for you....
Linda, I'm on it!
scrapper al, if you find the cure for hating exercise, please let me know. Actually, if it's not officially "exercise," I dig it. A walk in the woods? Awesome. A walk on a treadmill? Shoot me. Maybe I just need me some woods? :)
Ms. Janeen, I am all about taking this slow and steady and working with who I am instead of imposing some external rule. Thankfully, I'm old enough to realize how I tick and not get back into unsustainable habits.
I have to admit I love the 30-day challenges (well, okay, not to stop tracking spending. That was dumb), but I don't think of them as long-term options. It's mostly about swinging the pendulum the other way and seeing what I want to take back from that experience. Sometimes, it's nuttin'. Other times, I realize there's something worth keeping--like dancing to crappy 80s music. Super fun!
I am a product of the diet industry, so I mightily hate it. I will not be engaging in their fuckery, because I actually want to get well. I'm using tools from Geneen Roth's "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating" and all of the good stuff through the Health at Every Size movement. Thank you for the walking indoors tape suggestion--I will check that out. I'm also thinking of trying some yoga videos to help my joints. We shall see! Slow and steady is the rule. Using what works, tossing what doesn't, and not giving a crap about what any scale has to say. It's about how I feel, not some number on a machine.
ANYHOO, thank you for sharing your experience and suggestions and support!
Y'all are awfully kind folks. Muchas gracias.
I had gestational diabetes and now much still watch what I eat (due to diabetes in my family). It is tough but I managed to keep it at bay and avoid insulin shots. I had to prick myself 4x a day and avoid carbs/sugars, practice portion control etc.. So TOUGH! I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel for you. It's a lifelong diet change and it's tough. I love pasta and rice and bread... I hope you have good health insurance to cover diabetes lancets and those blood strips. I have extra lancets still if you need those!
O&G--bless you! You are so kind. And yeah, it isn't fun. I tend to go to crazy land when there is talking of "cutting back" or eliminating certain foods. Not a good time. I'm reading up on the Fat Nutritionist (I love her!) and she advocates for an "adding in" approach, which has helped tremendously. I mean, if I weren't insane, I could just cut back, instead I have to tell myself that I'm just adding more and more of these delicious vegetables not to reduce the carbs on my plate but because I just really love more veggies. Um, hi? I love donuts. But I am insane, so I need these weird self-talk tricks.
Although my doctor totally SUCKS, my insurance company is stellar. I get my strips and lancets for FREE. No copay. Unbelievable, eh? I have a buddy who has type 1 diabetes and has to test himself up to 10 times a day, yet he has to pay for strips--and he works for a diabetes-care company! Weird. Anyway, thank you so much for the offer! Super kind of you. Kiss the babies for me.
@ Demandra... you are a wise woman and will sort through it all.
I couldn't agree with you more about diet mind *uckery, actually. It destroys peoples' metabolism, which is a more complicated system than I can really understand.
Gonna try to take up yoga myself. I need more zen in my life.
Leslie Sansone, the walking lady, has a line on one of her videos, "One good choice leads to another good choice." I find that pretty inspirational, actually. It was good self-talk for me...
I'm pretty sensitive to body image shit. Spent years struggling and dealing with unhealthy thought patterns about it myself. I finally did it by taking on a more holistic view of it -- doing it for my health, etcetera.
Okay, I won't offer more unsolicited health advice -- I generally reserve that for elderly parents -- but if you ever want good low carb or veggie rich recipes I will chime in.
God Bless (and I don't say it often:-)!
Oh honey, I'm so sorry about the big D. That just totally sucks! And, being a person who is allergic to practically half of the foods on the planet, I really understand how not fun it is to be required to alter your eating habits.
I think that I am fortunate in this regard however... the motivation to stick with it is much stronger when the punishment for "cheating" is your body swelling up like a sweet potato and being hauled off to the emergency room with your throat closing, while you're wondering if you'll live through the next hour or not. I'm not sure I could have made all of the changes if it was all for some nebulous "maybe someday I'll suffer complications" thing.
Now, if only I were allergic to chocolate and buttered popcorn instead of celery and parsley...
But seriously, I really, truly believe that health is our natural state, and the reason most of us struggle with it is because we live in a fucked up world that teaches us to deny, control and otherwise override all of our body's natural signals and feelings. I have a post brewing on that topic so I'll spare you the long rant for now.
AND... in terms of the irony of the whole mentoring thing... As you know, I spent much of my "career" (ha ha) running a music school. There's an old adage among musicians which says that those who can, do, while those who can't teach. But I found the truth to be a bit different. People who are naturally gifted musicians generally make really shitty teachers, and the best teachers are often folks who really had to struggle for every little scrap.
After years of studying this phenomenon I came to the conclusion that on some level the super talented folks don't really even understand what they're doing because it just comes naturally to them. On the other hand, the "scrappers" were forced to completely break things down and analyze how each little bit was accomplished... which, in the end made them far superior teachers.
So take heart... the fact that you're struggling with some of this stuff will make you a much better mentor in the long run. :)
Much love to you, and hang in there... I'm pullin' for ya.
Sorry to hear that you're suffering CF. I hope you wake up tomorrow and all the pain is gone. And sorry to hear about the crap medical care. WTF?
On the plus side, you've gotten at the root of your spiral. Maybe that means it'll reverse and become a tower of goodness.
Oh, man! Wow, you've had it rough lately and I'm sorry. I hope things lighten up soon and it leads to better days around the corner. AS for the Big D, I'm sure you know already that a healthy diet and exercise is insurance for controlling diabetes. I hope it does not hurt you like it did your surrogate dad. Take care.
Demandra: that sucks balls. I'm so sorry about the diabetes diagnosis. It is one disease I hope I never get-that, and cancer. My niece had it (God rest her soul) and it robbed her of a normal life (booze, partying, etc., my idea of normal).
Anyway, I'm glad to hear you are back on track, and I wish you the strength to stay on track;)
R
Janeen--muchas gracias, as always :)
ECL--yeah, the "potential" doom of it all makes it easy to ignore, but lawd knows I've seen what that can do. I can't imagine having to struggle with tons of food allergies, so right now, I actually feel kinda lucky. That must be so difficult. Oy.
Woman, I wish something came naturally and easily to me. Oh wait, let me clarify that--I wish I was crazy talented at something--anything! Alas, I'm not. I also feel that struggling with issues gives me a little more cred. If this were easy for me--if I could just save with ease and never stumble, who the hell would be able to relate to me? How much help would that be? Thanks for reminding me of the value of being, well, human!
J.N.--dude, that heifer sucks. SUCKS! Worst healthcare ever. I am going to complain mightily. Thankfully, I have an excellent naturopath. Wish insurance folks would pay for her though. Arg.
Jackie--"tower of goodness." One day, I will write a post on such an event! Right? Right! :P
Jerry--thanks, yo!
Rachel--thanks, love. I'm grateful it's type 2 and not type 1. I can still have my booze, praise Allah. Can you imagine me, sober? God help us all.
Please don't apologize for your problems, you know that. They are your own and every bit as real as can be.
I come from a family all screwed by diabetes so I can really relate to your fear of it. I am so terrified of this disease esp since my mother was diagnosed with it when she was my age.
I have slithered down the spiral and knocked myself back up with good reads about simple living, taking it slow, tracking money, figuring out my budget. It is something that really grounds me so hope it does the same for you.
"I wish I was crazy talented at something--anything!"
WTF, girl?!? You are a CRAZY talented writer!!! Even I can tell that much about you, and my only window is this blog. Don't you EVER sell yourself short!
XOXOXO,
Cat
I echo EcoCatLady--you're a talented writer. Stop selling yourself short!
I also wanted to add more encouragement about diet & diabetes management. I had to be so strict with my no-carb/no-sugar (or very little) diet for months and obviously I was supermotivated because I was pregnant. At the same time, it was even more challenging because I had to gain weight also and it's harder w/o cards/sugars.
Now I've realized that I'm still borderline and have to look out for myself, and you do too! It is do-able. I was basically on an atkins diet and learned to love fish/meats and lots of green salad. I still eat bread/pasta/rice but try to do whole grains/brown rice and CUT all portions in half-- half a subways sandwich, half of my trader joe wraps, etc.. - and that also helped a lot. If you love donuts or bagels, eat half. You can do it!
oh honey, I don't know much about diabetes but I'm sincerely hoping that because it's "pre-diabetes" that you can turn it around and inside out and kick it down.
sending sweet vibes and healing hugs from Colorado and wishing for you very good things.
ps: we all fall off the wagon in some way at some time (keeps us from being fanatics, which is entirely un-fun).
Sam, I'm on the "knocking back up" spiral it seems with my good reads and baby steps and all. I should play around with my budget to make myself feel better. And lo! Diabetes can kiss your ass. Just saying.
Cat, compliments are like farting loudly in the room. Hilarious, deep down, but oh so wrong among company. So, um, thank you and HUSH YOUR FACE.
O&G, thanks for the tips, my dear! At this point, I'm trying to deal with my triggers for compulsive eating. That's really the crux for me--sad? Eat. Depressed? Binge! Happy? Socialize by eating! On and on. Meditation, blah blah blah, off the take out, blah blah blah, baby steps. Also? The thought of having half a donut makes me laugh. That outta tell ya something.
Rachel a la 6512, thank you love! It's actually at the full-blown stage, but they don't have me on meds. It's still potentially reversible. Yanno, if I pull my head out of my ass. Hey, maybe one of Dan's antlers out of his collection would help with that? bwhahahahahahah
Seriously, y'all, thanks for the support! I need to write me up a new post that's all rainbow puppy kisses and such so we can move on to happier pastures.
I love you.
I hope we can get together soon.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
(cracking up right now because the word verification that came up is "POTOOLOT" which I read as "LOTOFPOT")
I've never typed these words on a blog before, but the time has come. Yes, I need to tell you that I am feeling the urge to fart loudly, albeit virtually, on your blog.
(In other words, I agree with CatLady.)
Personally, I do /not/ love exercise at all. We're barely on speaking terms. But I think it's helping keep the big D at bay, at least for now.
The best way to only eat half a doughnut? Get a dog. A hungry dog. A dog with pleading, yearning, wistful brown eyes, who will scarf down most of the doughnut before you can stop him.
No, don't thank me now for this advice. Wait til you get the vet bill.
p.s. Happy T-day!
One of things I know about you is that you are a student and that you have a sense of humor(oops that two).
And my gut tells me that these things, along with all your other lovely attributes, are going to help pull you through.
You are going to start feeling better and better.
Thinking of you Aldra.
xo,
me
E--I love you too. We need to buy us up a chunk of land so we can have some kind of manageable space between us instead of multiple cities!
The Merry--holy shit, thank you for the laugh. ahahahah I don't think anyone has ever threatened to fart on my blog before. Best part? You'll fit right in! 'Cuz I am one gastastic mofo.
OVERSHARING IS THE BEST!! Um, how awful is it that I would tell my adorable dogs to piss off if they wanted some of my donut? I'm telling you, man, donuts and cake are my kryptonite.
Thanks, Louise. xoxoxo
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